An epiphany?

Tonight two young boys have helped me realize that everything I have hoped for in these past 18 years is ridiculously out of my reach and I should just quit. Quitting is something I have dreamed about for a long time. To just step quietly away, go to sleep, let the chips fall where they may. But then there is that agonizing fear that the chips will fall into the pits of hell and when I wake up and realize I could have done something about that, I will regret it. So for that reason, I have not quit... not yet. But there's still time. Perhaps if I sleep, the chips will fall just where they are supposed to, without all of my nagging and petty interference. It's certainly something to think about.

I've also learned chronic sorrow isn't nearly as common as I thought. We, in particular, just suck at most things, therefore we are isolated and stuck. No wonder this is all so unpopular. I have said many times that the world doesn't want to hear about it...and I have railed against that, insisting they must! But no. .really. Why must they? Empathy can't be taught, after all.

Well hell, I don't want to do this anymore anyway. And trying to make a career out of it was among the stupidest things I've done. And though I can't get much of my life back, I will still gladly take any suggestions for an entirely new mid-life change of occupation! Hate myself over and over and over for not staying a bartender. I could have my own saloon by now, and my son could be happily working there getting his occasional drink on.